Protecting Yourself From Financial Infidelity

I recently joined Dr. Debi Silber on her podcast, From Betrayal To Breakthrough, to talk about financial infidelity and how to protect yourself. I talk about this topic so much, and that's because too many married people haven't even heard about financial infidelity so they're not taking steps to protect themselves.

Dr. Debi is the founder of The PBT Institute. PBT stands for "post betrayal transformation".... and that's exactly what so many people going through divorce need. Healing from betrayal is different than healing from other difficult situations like death, illness, or accidents. While those crises can be very painful and include a deep sense of loss, the trauma from betrayal is a bit different. There are added emotions when you've been cheated on or you were blindsided by divorce.

We had such a wonderful talk about how I use my 25+ years of experience investigating fraud to help women experiencing financial infidelity. This may not sound like an uplifting topic, but I am here to help you move through circumstances no one wants to find themselves in and get you to the other side with the money YOU deserve. I can help you navigate your future, learn how to protect yourself and take control of YOUR life with my Divorce Money Guide.

While I have a laundry list of red flags you can look for, let’s unpack some signs of financial infidelity that I see frequently. The main one is a distinct change in behavior around finances. This includes things like:

• Becoming very secretive + controlling finances
• You suddenly find yourself locked out of online banking
• Bank statements that previously arrived in the mail monthly suddenly are switched to online statements you don’t have access to them
• The tax return documents disappear from the family computer or filing cabinet where they have always been
• Your spouse is very critical of your spending or demanding explanations

What can you do if your partner is being secretive about money? Do NOT tip your partner off. We do not want to let them know that you are aware of these behaviors and have begun to look into them. Instead:

• Gather account information for accounts you are listed on and download all the statements
• Look for a will or other estate planning documents
• Find tax returns

Then, go line by line through bank and credit card statements:

• Look for purchases that are not normal for your family - maybe purchases at odd locations or stores you don't frequent or at a hotel in a location you haven't been to
• Count up the number of paychecks to your account per year - this can be an easy step to make sure all the money that was supposed to be deposited into the account is there

Secure the copies of your account statements in a safe place. You might consider asking a trusted family member or friend to keep them for you.

If you have caught your partner cheating on you (or even just suspect them of cheating), download my resource on steps to take after catching a cheater so that you'll know how to protect yourself.

When Is It Abuse?

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. Sadly, financial infidelity and abuse have a lot of overlap between them and are often seen together. Any sort of controlling behavior related to money could be considered financial abuse. Financial infidelity is just one form of financial abuse.

Other signs to look for with financial abuse:

• Using money as a means of controlling you
• Micromanaging your spending (this goes way beyond the concept of just having a budget)
• Controlling your access to funds and accounts
• One spouse is allowed to spend freely and the other is very restricted

Dr. Debi mentioned a client whose spouse threatened her with homelessness if she were to initiate a divorce. It can be very common in abusive relationships for the abuser to threaten finances. If your spouse has said the following or similar when there is talk of divorce, this is financial abuse:

• I will leave you broke
• You will be homeless
• You won’t get a penny out of this house
• You won’t get a dime of my retirement account

These statements are often used as a tactic to keep you in an abusive marriage longer than you should be. Unless you have a prenup in place, the odds are you WILL get a portion of home equity, retirement accounts, and other assets.

Your starting point should be that you are entitled to half the house and retirement. Regardless of what your spouse is saying to you, this is the legal reality in most divorce cases.

How to Save For Your Divorce

If you have the opportunity, have a bank account that is only accessible to you. This account will be the place to save for an attorney without anyone closing that account or taking the money out without your permission. Plan on needing at least $2,000 to $5,000 for an initial retainer for a divorce attorney.

This can be especially helpful in abusive relationships. However, it can be very difficult for abuse victims to make this account and savings a reality. You may be able to get help from a local legal aid society. They may not help with the divorce directly but can direct you toward resources that can help you. Do a Google search for "legal aid society" and the name of the closest large city.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for support and resources 24/7.

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