Financial Abuse in Marriage

Have you ever found yourself locked out of your bank account? Or were you denied access to the account from the very start? Does your spouse micromanage your spending? Has your husband refused to let you make financial decisions? Has he had you sign loan documents or contracts without any input or without being able to read the papers first? Do you have to justify your spending to your spouse? Or is there great financial inequity and double standards... your spouse spends heavily on luxuries but restricts your spending?

All of these could be signs that you're a victim of financial abuse from your spouse. It can be harder to spot than you may realize and can creep into your relationship over time. 

What is Financial Abuse?

Put simply, financial abuse is using money to control another person. Financial abuse is a type of domestic violence and is seen in nearly all relationships that involve domestic violence. However, even if your marriage doesn't include other characteristics of domestic abuse, you may still be experiencing financial abuse.

One of the difficult aspects of spotting financial abuse is that it can be subtle. Your husband may be very manipulative, and the abuse may grow over time without you recognizing the increasingly bad behavior. Much like other types of abuse, your partner likely started out a completely different way, but over time more and more concerning behaviors may come up. Until one day you wake up and feel like you can't find your way out of your marriage. 

Here are six common signs of financial abuse in marriage and relationships:

1. Controlling Money - There are obvious signs your spouse is controlling money like only giving you an allowance, removing access to bank accounts, taking away credit cards, or limiting your access to other assets. There can also be more subtle forms of controlling money like nitpicking all of your purchases, demanding receipts for grocery spending, and telling you that you are irresponsible or bad with money. 
2. Sabotaging Your Job - If your spouse discourages your employment, makes it difficult for you to maintain your job, or limits your ability to be financial independent, this is financial abuse. This can also come in a nicer package... like your husband telling you that he want to take care of you and wants you to be able to stay at home. For many families, it is common for a parent, often mom, to choose to stay home to talk care of small children. This is perfectly legitimate, but in some relationships this concept crosses over into your husband keeping you at home to control you financially. Over time, it may become clear that your spouse has no intention of letting you go to work and earn your own money. He may recognize that an income of your own represents a path to freedom for you.
3. Financial Infidelity - When your spouse is lying to you about money matters, he or she is committing financial infidelity. It can include hiding assets, debts, accounts, spending, and more. If your spouse won't allow you to review or see your accounts, is using your family's money to carry on an affair, or otherwise lies to you about your finances.... this is a red flag for financial infidelity and abuse. 
4. Aggressive Behaviors - Physical behaviors that are aggressive often accompany financial abuse. For some spouses, it isn't enough to just control the finances, they add another layer of control. Pushing you, throwing things, screaming at you, or getting in your face are all threatening behaviors that are used to coerce victims of financial abuse into giving in to whatever the aggressor demands.
5. Emotional Manipulation - If your spouse blows up at you when you make a purchase, refuses to speak with you, won't show you affection, or otherwise has a big emotional response to your spending or situations with your family's money, this is a another sign of abuse. Using big emotional reactions to control you and your money is not okay.
6. Alienating You - If your spouse or partner tries to isolate you from friends, families, and your community, it is a sign of abuse. This is one area that slowly can happen over time. Perhaps at first your partner doesn't like a friend you have, or wants to "protect" you from a tough family relationship. This can evolve into sabotaging your friendships, making you choose between them and your family, and discouraging or making it impossible to attend community events. Like the other signs, this does not happen over night and you may not realize what has happened until you are completely isolated.
    

Finding Your Way Out

One of the hardest things about being a victim of abuse is getting the courage to leave. If you are the victim of financial abuse, you may very likely feel helpless and like there is no way out. If you have no money of your own and no way to access funds, you probably feel trapped in your marriage. The emotional and verbal abuse that you may be suffering at the same time makes it even more difficult.

You can find a path forward. Many women have broken free from their abusers to create lives in which they feel safe and loved. It can take careful planning and a bit of time, but you can figure this out. Seeking supportive resources is one of the first steps to take in order to break free. You can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. This line is open 24/7. You can also check out all the resources they have to share.