Divorce Advice: Surround Yourself With Good People

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling

It’s a phrase you’ve probably been hearing your whole life: “Surround yourself with good people.”

Oprah said it: “Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher.” Jack Canfield said it: “Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive, nourishing and uplifting people-people who believe in you, encourage you to go after your dreams, and applaud your victories.”  I’ve also heard: “You’re only as good as the people you surround yourself with.”

These statements could not ring truer when it comes to going through a divorce. Divorce can feel like a roller coaster ride full of emotions like anger, fear, sadness and resentment. There’s also self-doubt and a lack of self-confidence, which can leave you wondering: Am I capable of making decisions that are going to shape the rest of my life after the divorce is final?

It’s scary to think about!

When I got divorced, I felt very intimidated by the divorce process. I had no idea how it worked, and I didn’t know any of the legal terminology in divorce cases. I had never even heard of mediation or a forensic accountant! I was clueless, and if you are too, that’s okay. How can you expect to know about divorce if you’ve never been through one?!

I think it’s safe to assume that everyone going through a divorce has the same goal:

They want a good divorce outcome—an outcome that feels fair and equitable, and that will provide the best possible life for them and their kids.

That might mean the right custody schedule, certain assets, the house, and financial agreements that seem reasonable. Then there’s the hope of falling in love again. I find that even at the beginning of a divorce, people are thinking about the potential of a future partner.

So, how do you get what you want even if you know nothing? You…

Surround yourself with good people!  (who know something about this whole "divorce" thing!)

I’m talking about divorce professionals who will listen to your situation, and then educate and empower you. Together, you and these professionals can make decisions designed to get you the best possible divorce outcome for you.

I got divorced in 2008 and I’m serious when I tell you, I went to see two divorce lawyers for consultations (the first one was so bad, I walked out of her office crying) and I hired the second one. That was it. I never did any research, I just handed everything over to my attorney, having such little understanding of what I was signing and/or settling for.

I’m not blaming my attorney. That’s how things were back then. But now, there are so many professionals (in many different fields) who have dedicated their practices/businesses to helping people going through a divorce.

In addition to divorce attorneys, these can include:

• Divorce mediator
• Forensic Accountant
• Divorce Coach
• Life Coach
• Parent Coach
• Therapist
• Financial advisor
• Financial Coach
• Plastic surgeon
• Personal trainer
• Health Coach
• Ring and diamond buyer
• Dating Coach
• Mortgage lender
• Real estate agent

If you are going through a divorce, your goal should be to have consultations with many of these professionals, so that you can see if they are a good fit for your case. With each consultation, you will become more empowered and capable of making long-term decisions that are right for you.

For example, let’s say you aren’t sure you can afford to stay in your home after the divorce, but you’d like to. My advice is to have a consultation with a mortgage lender who is also a Certified Divorce Lending Professional (CDLP). This person has a designation to work with divorced people and their attorneys to help determine this information, and to give you all your options so that you can make the best decision based on the knowledge you now have.  

Divorce coaches are also wonderfully empowering! They act as the person standing by your side to help you make important decisions during and after your divorce. Additionally, if you don’t know what you want your life to be like after divorce, a divorce/life coach can help you figure that out.

Think your husband might be hiding money? Find out by getting the Divorce Money Guide. This resource is amazing, and can save you so much time and money!

The more people you talk to, the more you learn. Consulting with divorce professionals is kind of like going to school for divorce, and you get your degree when your divorce is final.

What I love so much about a lot of these divorce professionals is that many of them got into the divorce niche because they also went through a divorce, experienced the pain and hardship, and wanted to give back. So, you are getting emotional support, too. Furthermore, if you allow them, your divorce professionals can talk to each other and because they are familiar with your case, can collaborate and come up with options and solutions for you. Do you know how much money you can save on your divorce attorney if you have other divorce professionals involved? A lot.

In closing, I want to say one more thing about surrounding yourself with good people. That also means friends and family. During divorce, you need support from the people who know and love you the most, so turning to friends and family is always a good idea. BUT---and this is a big but: surround yourself with healthy relationships ONLY. You know what I mean. Those toxic friends—the ones who make you feel badly about yourself, who judge, who are mean, and who leave you with negative emotions, they must go.

Surround yourself with the friends who make you feel great about yourself, who you know are genuine, and who are consistently there rooting for you, inspiring you, and lifting you up. (Like Oprah said.)

If you want to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, or you want to connect with other people facing divorce, visit my company, Divorced Girl Smiling.